somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
