Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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