Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
