Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
