Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
why didn't you poke me back
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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