I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
