im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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