Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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