I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
