We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
