OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
