Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So. Much. Porn.
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