Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
