Your tits are I can't wait for
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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