it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
