I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
