the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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