Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
