Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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