We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
