When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
