i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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