I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
