Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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