Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she smelled like a LAN party
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
