I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need water and some morals
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
