i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
