Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
