morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
