this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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