I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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