I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
