She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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