i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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