Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
