If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
