hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
