Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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