You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
