spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
