I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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