Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
