The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
