You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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