so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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