hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
