rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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