We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
