I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Come share oat with me in your robe
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
