great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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