Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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