You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
